According to the dictionary, a secret is “something that is kept or meant to be kept unknown or unseen by others”. When the secrets are related to life and sharing with our life partner, then the definition mentioned in the dictionary may work if you plan to live alone for the rest of your life. However if you want your bonding & romance to be strong enough to last a lifetime then remember - communicating fully and openly, without withholding, is a key to a successful relationship.
That means you will eventually have to unfold your mask and reveal your secrets—things about yourself and your past that you may have hidden away for many reasons. Though revealing secrets are the right path for nurturing a healthy relationship but revealing secrets often marks a deepening of your relationship. Relationship expert and marriage counselor Shivani Misri Sadhoo, shares some useful tips for getting to the other side stronger than ever:
Don’t mistake secrets with unfiltered thoughts:
Many times people miss-understand the “one must share everything” notion with unfiltered personal and emotional outbursts – like one day the husband starts getting a thought “I think my wife has become too fat lately and that has turned me off”. Such information is not secret rather it’s an unfiltered negative thought that needs to self-analyze rather bluntly hurting the other person. If you think your wife is too fatty and that’s bothering you, then try innovative and involving actions, like encouraging her to go for morning walks and start eating a healthy diet along with you, so that she understands what is there on your mind and she will appreciate you choose to express your concerns.
Evaluate if the piece of information is relevant in today’s context:
It’s true, you must share everything with your partner by telling directly or by expressing with sensitivity, care, and love. But sometimes situations get tricky and need personal judgment. For example, it might hold true for a couple who has married for the second time , that every small piece of information from the past marriage may not be relevant in today’s context. It may hamper the process of the reestablishment of new relationship after a prolonged turmoil from last relationship breakup.
Forgive yourself before you share.
If you feel that your partner has the right to know then you must share your information from past no matter how dark it may be. But many a times people hold guilt feelings about their secret and live without forgiving themselves for their involvement in the same.
Now when you share the details with your partner, you implicitly ask your partner not to hold it against you—to accept your past as it was and still be willing to build a future together. But the truth is, the task will be twice as difficult if your partner senses you haven’t yet forgiven yourself. He or she will take emotional cues from you, so make peace with your own past before you expect someone else to do so.
Go slow.
It is true that keeping relevant secrets hidden for too long can be toxic to any intimate relationship. When a troubling truth finally emerges, trust can be seriously undermined. But revealing too much too soon can be just as damaging. Playing “truth or consequences” with someone new can feel like an exciting step toward genuine intimacy. But the key phrase here is “someone new.” He or she doesn’t yet know you well enough to put your revelations into present-day's context. Be careful with your secrets, because once they are out, there is no getting them back. Rush it and you may be stuck with truth AND consequences—in the form of a promising relationship cut short and your private details becoming not so private anymore.
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